I use quotes to help me express how I’m feeling, purely because I don’t know how to say it myself. Other people seem to make the words come out right while I’m still struggling on how the words sound right in my head. Quote pictures on several websites such as Instagram, pinterest & Facebook have helped me in a way I can’t even really explain.
This is one that really hits home, as a mother you so look forward to these moments, the silly things like sitting up late eating chocolate watching a crappy film with your 15 year old who doesn’t like to stay home anymore. The awkward first encounters with boyfriends and girlfriends and doing everything in your power to embarrass them. Seeing them cradling their own little newborn baby. All of this is gone, never will I ever have chance to see any of this with Macauley, I realise how blessed I am to have this with Harvey but that doesn’t take away the pain of missing out on a whole lot of fun with my other son.
This. Just this. It’s perfect, I will never be able to reason with the fact I didn’t even get to see the colour of my sons eyes, I imagine they were a beautiful blue, just like his brothers. That’s all I have, my imagination. I imagine his hair would of been a mousey brown like mine and his voice would of been soft and raspy. I spoke to my baby a lot in the short time I had with Macauley and not once in that time did I get even a murmur, a whimper never mind a cry.. and that hurts every single day.
You definitely do not get over losing your child, you can pretend to move on but you never do. The people don’t lie when they say it gets easier, it definitely does. It definitely gets easier to fake your smile, It gets so much easier to pretend your okay and your doing alright, it’s so easy after a few months to laugh, and really sound like your having a whale of a time when your heart is breaking in to two. All of this is easier, but one thing I can tell you now is you will never move on, I learnt to accept this around a month ago, and I won’t lie, it hurt me to think there would never be an end and then I realised, why would there be an end? He’s my son and as long as I’m living he will be a part of my life.
I don’t feel like I can even write something along side this because it just speaks volumes in itself. The funeral was the worst day of my entire life, so much so my brain has blocked most of it out for me, I don’t know if this is a good thing or not right now but I can’t change that now. If you can make it through the burial or cremation of your child, babe you can make it through anything 💙