I miss you today.
I mean I miss you everyday but I really miss you today. I’m not even sure why, sometimes it’s because I’ve seen a picture of a baby boy, sometimes it’s because I’ve been speaking about you or I’ve had a dream about you again. Other times its because I’ve seen a baby be born healthy and well and for some reason I get all bitter and twisted about that.. but none of these things have happened today and I am only assuming it’s because my thoughts are around Christmas alot at the moment. The fact your not here and won’t ever be here to share the most magical time of year with me and your brother. I find myself wandering round shops looking for Christmas presents for you and I’ve found so many things you would love.. and I can’t get them instead I am looking at how we can involve you in our day.
It hurts so much wanting something that you definitely cannot have and my only way to get a tiny peice of you is to snuggle the blanket you had for a few hours. This time last year we knew you were on your way and I couldn’t wait to wake up this year on Christmas day with my 2 babies, and I will wake up to your ashes in our bedroom so that your at least sort of close to me. This time last year I couldn’t wait and now I couldn’t be more full of dread and hate and sadness and grief
Some days are proper shit. Like so shit, I feel like I can barely breath my life is just consumed by grief and I don’t want to speak or move or even live, and all because I love my son and it sounds so ridiculous because how can you feel so low because of love, surely love conquers all?! Not when the love is for your baby who died whilst still inside you, the pain is all that’s left and that is so hard to deal with some days. And it’s on those days you have to fight all these feelings of just sitting doing nothing and drag yourself to work if you have too. You have to pretend to be fine with people who just don’t care and definitely don’t understand.. I wouldn’t ever wish anyone to take away my pain because that would mean having to take away you and I would never be without you. But I just wish some days people understood and I could have a day where I don’t move/speak/maybe even get out of bed, without being judged. Cos I really do miss you and on them days you are all I need..