As a mother you automatically think you can protect your child from everything in this big bad world. How shitty that I couldn’t protect both of my children from this? I should of been able to keep my baby safe in my tummy and keep him alive untill he was ready to give it a go solo. And I couldn’t. I should of been able to protect Harvey from such a great loss and grief at 4 years old, stopping him from seeing me hurt like I’ve never hurt before. And I couldn’t.
It’s days like this when you reflect on what you might of been able to do differently, if I’d of argued more would Macauley be here now? If I’d of been stronger would Harvey of suffered less and been happier as a result? If I’d of pushed for this and that, and if I’d of just put my foot down. If I’d of held back my tears and not cried as much. If I’d of been off my feet more/been on my feet more. Maybe if I’d of eaten differently, drank more water and slept more. All these Ifs and I will literally never know. And it hurts so much that I couldn’t and can’t do anything to stop any of this happening, having something so traumatic being out of your control, why couldn’t I save him, why didn’t I know that his heart was stopping, why didn’t I feel him getting weak. Why couldn’t I see how my tears affected him, how my life changed which meant his did too.
All of these things I could of done and didn’t, all of the ifs that bother me daily and make me question my abilities as a mother. And then every now and then I remember, I couldn’t do anything different, I couldn’t of changed a thing and all I did was what I needed to do and what I thought was best for my children. That doesn’t make me a bad mother, it makes me feel like one occasionally but in the reality of it I survived, which means I did everything I could for Harvey. I survived and I am in the process of keeping Macauleys memory the same, so very alive. Because if I couldn’t keep his physical being alive I can at the least do this.
So as hard as it is, on these horrible anxiety filled days, I just have to remind myself that I am doing okay. And okay is pretty damn good sometimes. 💙