Christmas in heaven

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I hope Christmas in heaven is as magical as it is on earth, I hope santa still brings you gifts and you still get excited about spending the time with your loved ones. I hope you and all the other babies in heaven have a lovely time on Christmas day and still feel very much part of the families you come from. I hope you feel the love and heartache that will pour from me that day because Christmas will just never be same for me. I am excited for Harvey, because we all know your brother is santa clause crazy! But it would be so lovely to have you here, even if for just one day.

We decorated the tree the other day and instead of you placing a bauble on the tree, we placed a bauble on the tree with your name on.. the only way we can include you in what used to be my favourite part of Christmas  (mummy’s strange I know but I just love Christmas trees) I had visions as you and Harvey grew up of my tree just being awful as you both attacked it with baubles and snowflakes, 10 per branch because you just don’t have the OCD I do.. I would of probably got mad and re decorated in while you were both in bed snoozing, but what I’d give to see your creation now!

I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through the holidays this year, I know I will in reality but I just don’t feel like I’m up to this, I still miss you so much it hurts and what is normally an amazing time for me and daddy is just going to be quite painful I imagine. We were walking through town the other day and heard a certain song (you know which one) and me and daddy instantly couldn’t be in that shop. And I imagine that song will be played alot over Christmas. I was hoping as time passed we could cope with our emotions a little easier, but it’s only taken time to prove that just isn’t true. I still cry when I see your pram, I still cry when I hear your name, I still cry when I even think about going in your bedroom. 8 months on and I can’t, I just can’t bring myself to go in there. I want to go in and sort it out and get you your own little Christmas decorations. Whether I’ll be able to or not is another story but I’ll try baby.

8 months on and it’s nearly your first Christmas, and our first Christmas without you, I imagine it will be just as hard as we expect it to be so pop in and give me a cuddle if you can, let me know you are sharing the day with us and I’ll save you a bit of Turkey 😘

Love you forever baby boy and merry Christmas in heaven! 💚

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