If there’s one thing I can’t control it’s that life does continue after stillbirth, the days and the months still roll by. And you find yourself in new places before you know it, having found out I was pregnant again recently this made me realise more than ever that, I can’t stop the world from moving. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I may of moved on quickly? Then I remember there not my feelings yet more fear of being judged and that being other people’s thoughts.. because I know that while yes this new baby is a blessing and we are all so thrilled that we are entering another whole new chapter in our lives, this isn’t moving on. How do you move on from the loss of a child? You don’t. You just learn how to cope a little easier some days. So to anyone who would think that this new baby and this pregnancy is a possible act of replacing Macauley you couldn’t be more wrong, because how can I replace one of my children? I wouldn’t ever replace Harvey and Macauley is no different. This baby is just life doing what life does best.. moving forward a day at a time. This baby is our 3rd baby and another chance to hold a beautiful Joyce baby in our arms, another chance to be so full of love and another chance to live.
I stupidly believed that this may give me something to focus on, be excited for and I couldn’t of been more wrong. I’m hurting more than ever as every milestone just reminds me of the milestones I hit with Macauley and I am terrified that this pregnancy could end the same way and we won’t get them milestones we missed with Macauley. I am terrified of not seeing this babies eyes or hearing them cry and I am mostly terrified that Macauley will think I might possibly forget about him. If everything goes smoothly with this baby and pregnancy I hope that he knows that we will still celebrate his birthday every year, he will still play a huge part in our Christmas holidays and he will always be with us on day to day errands.
Most of all I hope he knows that he is about to become a big brother! And between him and harvey I couldn’t ask for better siblings for this new bundle of joy to come into the world too.
Love you forever baby boy, love you, love you millions, love you more 💚