I’ve been trying to find the words to write this post for a couple of weeks now and I haven’t been able too, Im still not really sure of the right ones tbh but I can’t keep that from letting me do these posts because in reality that is life, sometimes there are just no words. No words to describe how your feeling, no words to describe what’s going on in your head and definitely no words to describe the emotion through different times in your life.
A couple of weeks ago it was Macauleys first Christmas and my first christmas without him. I don’t know what I thought it would be like, I knew it would be hard and it was. I had a good half an hour of not knowing if I could carry on with the day mid morning but for Harveys sake I pulled up my socks and fought through it and it was quite a nice day. We spoke about him freely and it wasn’t something that bought the overall Christmas spirit down which is exactly how I wished it would be. The following days were hard, the relaxed family days of doing nothing but looking through toys and playing. He should of been here for that and having lots of cuddles in cute Christmas themed baby grows. What I didn’t expect to find hard was new years. I hadn’t put much thought into it at all to be honest as I’ve never been someone to really celebrate it anyway. Boy was I wrong, the reality of it hit me and hurt. 2016 was the only year my boy was real. 2016 was the only year I saw his face and kissed his nose. 2016 was the only year he lived. That really hit me, and I’m still struggling to come to terms with that if I’m honest..
And now I have a whole new year ahead of me, some amazing things happening including welcoming our 3rd child into this world. I also have some horrible times, the worst being his birthday/the day we welcomed our beautiful boy into this world sleeping. I already feel so apprehensive about this day and my emotions change all the time. Part of me wants to sit and grieve peacefully and the other wants to celebrate my little man just like we would of for a normal 1st birthday. As the time nears I’ll figure out which is best for us, and that’s the important thing there. Other people may look on and judge mine and our decisions surrounding April but I couldn’t give a flying fuck to be quite honest because you will need to understand that the decision we make will be right for us at that time.
This is probably the crappiest written post I’ve done so far and that’s because I just don’t know how to word what I want to say right now. But I needed to say it so here it is.. Christmas was shit. New year was shit and no doubt many times throughout this coming year will also be shit. But that’s reality of it all, 2017 I am hoping will bring us more happiness than 2016 did but don’t ever assume I wish 2016 didn’t happen because without it I wouldn’t have him, and he is one of the best things that ever happened to me 💙
Love you always MJ. Love you, love you more, love you millions. Mummy x