Hi guys! I am aware I have more than abandoned this page recently and I couldn’t bring myself to explain what was going on with me but then I figured, why? I named my blog life after stillbirth for a reason and that is so people can have an insight into all aspects of life after going through such a great trauma so I can’t keep hiding from it!
It’s been 2 months since I last posted and in them 2 months I made it past my ‘danger’ point in my current pregnancy, purchased some baby items and had numerous scans. I am still over the moon to say that everything is exactly as it should be and we should be having a very healthy beautiful baby boy in not too many weeks now! Eek!
I haven’t posted anything recently as I felt it was wrong. I felt it was wrong to be posting about things going right in my life as apposed to the normal ‘I struggled today’ posts. I felt like anyone following my story or anyone reading the posts for comfort wouldn’t want to read about happiness when they are within the darkest days of their lives because I’ll be honest.. I didn’t enjoy reading pregnancy announcements or birth announcements at all to begin with. Then I realised as much as I can sympathise with people struggling with reading the happy and lighter times, it’s still part of my journey and it’s very much real life for me, for anyone having a baby or who’s had a baby after such a great loss you will understand where I’m at right now and how hard the days can be.
We’re coming up to one year, his first birthday. I’m terrified and I have no idea how to celebrate/continue to mourn and do all of this while giving him a day he would be proud of too. I’m sure I’ll figure it out and if not we have many years after that to get it right. One thing I am sure of is that Macauley will always be a brother, to this new baby and his big brother Harvey! He will always be a grandson to his forever proud grandparents, he will always be a warm loving memory in anyone’s heart that knew him and met him. And most importantly he will always be my son. And just like any mother I’m sure I’ll make some mistakes on this journey, in fact I’m pretty sure I’ve already made a few.. but that’s part of being a parent. It takes time to learn and get it right and that doesn’t change when you have angel babies 💙