We’re almost there. Almost at 1 whole year since the day you were born and today is extra raw, it’s been one whole year since it all started. One whole year since I was admitted into hospital with severe bleeding and I was being prepped for theatre and possible blood transfusion. One whole year since I heard the words ‘you may be misscarrying’ how can you miscarry so late? I was 23 weeks pregnant I knew I was having a boy and I’d felt my boy move inside me. How could I be misscarrying? That’s something that happens in early pregnancy surely? Apparently not. I had another week before my son was classed as a viable baby and before anyone would do anything for me so one more week of the word miscarriage being used. It seemed so heartless to me at that point. He made it one whole week past that point and was born at 25 weeks, makes it harder in a way as then you know your baby had a chance.. if he had of been born alive and breathing he did have a chance, it would of been a long road and lots of complications but he could be here today, but he isn’t.
One whole year ago I didn’t understand how severe it all was, I sat on labour ward full of life as what’s the worst that can happen? This was just a slight hitch and I’d be home the next day because stuff like that definitely doesn’t happen to people like me. I was a good person and a good parent so who in their right mind would take a baby away from that? One whole year ago my mum was terrified but didn’t let on, she sat by my side and giggled with me to keep me calm and then continued to support us through the next year, the worst year of our lives.
All made that little bit more raw seeing as it’s mothers day tomorrow, I have my handsome man Harvey to keep me smiling and baby pea in my tummy but he should be here too. We should be waking up having sleepy cuddles after what I would of hoped would of been a good night’s sleep but in true baby fashion we’d of probably been up 4 times more than usual for extra feeds and nappy changes. And I’d of done it with a smile on my face because he’d still be here, I’d have my boy in my arms and I wouldn’t ever let him go.
One whole year ago if I knew what was coming I’d of probably bailed right there and then, and it’s still as hard today as it was 10 months ago but my love for my babies is what pulls me through and I can only hope that that same love is enough to get me through the next couple of weeks.
Love you always Macauley 💙